put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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