Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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