I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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