Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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