are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
