What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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