Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
