my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
