so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
