I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Everyone says I win the strip club
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
