y did u give ur computer a hand job?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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