break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
