Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
