god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
