I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
