girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
