so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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