Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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