Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
