You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
