just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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