I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
