plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
