Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
