i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
