tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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