my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
