woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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