You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
