Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
