my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
