I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
