Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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