Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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