Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
