i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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