does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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