if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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