My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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