I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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