Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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