I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
