apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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