Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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