there's paper in my vomit.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I checked into jail on foursquare
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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