i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
