please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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