I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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