I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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