if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
